Birthday Blues?

I'm sure that as some of you read this your first thought will be, "just get over it". I often have the same thought. Being the sensitive person I am this much easier said than done. I will say thought that I do feel like I am coming to some amount of closure as I openly and honestly examine the aftermath.

Last week I celebrated my thirtieth birthday. Aside from not being in my twenties anymore there was something different about this birthday. My attitude. I have come to loathe my birthday as many of us probably do but not because I am aging. Last year before the day even started I spent several minutes crying and wishing this was a time I could avoid. This year I went for a run, contemplated my life and decided to start this decade on a better foot.

A few days before I turned seventeen I was sent to live in a group home for troubled teens. I was absolutely devastated and at the time very angry at my parents for making that choice. I spent my birthday with strangers, wearing program clothes and generally feeling alone. Fast forward about five years. I had my first child and was married to my first husband. A few days before my birthday (once again) he notified me our relationship was over. I was once again lost. Not only did I hate the fact that I had born I felt no real reason to celebrate the day. That feeling carried over for several years.

As each birthday approached I would make attempts, even if only in my mind, to avoid the reality of it. Three years ago, sometime around my birthday we buried my cousin. That was the year I decided my life and my attitude needed to change. He was the inspiration for making the most out of my life here on earth. It has been a huge challenge and not one I have risen to on every occasion.

This year the sky was cloudy for most of the morning. I will admit that the thought "how appropriate for me" crossed my mind several times. I was determined to have this year be different. I do think the cloud came over me, several days before my birthday, and stayed for a day or two after. Now that I can see this I am committed to changing, to healing.

I was struck during this week at how much I had thought I had worked through all this and how little I had actually accomplished. I can see the great good that has come out of the events and figure that was the only way God could reach me. Now to get over it and let him use me!

Instead of a new years resolution I am going to make a birthday resolution. I will no longer throw pity parties or mourn over things past. We are made new in Christ, right? Now to live that. Here is to a new decade!!! Thank you for sticking with me through this and limping along with me. I am blessed by all of you in my life.