Birthday Blues?

I'm sure that as some of you read this your first thought will be, "just get over it". I often have the same thought. Being the sensitive person I am this much easier said than done. I will say thought that I do feel like I am coming to some amount of closure as I openly and honestly examine the aftermath.

Last week I celebrated my thirtieth birthday. Aside from not being in my twenties anymore there was something different about this birthday. My attitude. I have come to loathe my birthday as many of us probably do but not because I am aging. Last year before the day even started I spent several minutes crying and wishing this was a time I could avoid. This year I went for a run, contemplated my life and decided to start this decade on a better foot.

A few days before I turned seventeen I was sent to live in a group home for troubled teens. I was absolutely devastated and at the time very angry at my parents for making that choice. I spent my birthday with strangers, wearing program clothes and generally feeling alone. Fast forward about five years. I had my first child and was married to my first husband. A few days before my birthday (once again) he notified me our relationship was over. I was once again lost. Not only did I hate the fact that I had born I felt no real reason to celebrate the day. That feeling carried over for several years.

As each birthday approached I would make attempts, even if only in my mind, to avoid the reality of it. Three years ago, sometime around my birthday we buried my cousin. That was the year I decided my life and my attitude needed to change. He was the inspiration for making the most out of my life here on earth. It has been a huge challenge and not one I have risen to on every occasion.

This year the sky was cloudy for most of the morning. I will admit that the thought "how appropriate for me" crossed my mind several times. I was determined to have this year be different. I do think the cloud came over me, several days before my birthday, and stayed for a day or two after. Now that I can see this I am committed to changing, to healing.

I was struck during this week at how much I had thought I had worked through all this and how little I had actually accomplished. I can see the great good that has come out of the events and figure that was the only way God could reach me. Now to get over it and let him use me!

Instead of a new years resolution I am going to make a birthday resolution. I will no longer throw pity parties or mourn over things past. We are made new in Christ, right? Now to live that. Here is to a new decade!!! Thank you for sticking with me through this and limping along with me. I am blessed by all of you in my life.

The Purpose of My Life

I have not posted over the last several weeks for lack of material but because I have been running around crazy. As with most people summer time doesn't slow down like we all think it will, it speeds up. For me this summer has been full of firsts and new realizations. Jasper was on the swim team, the last practice was on Friday. I have found during scheduling that more times than I care to recount two or three major events are on the same day. We started raising chickens and have also added two parakeets to our family. Brian and I celebrated five years of marriage together and on Monday I leave my twenties in the past.

One of the biggest changes for me this summer is the fact that I have begun teaching water aerobics at one of the local health clubs. I was asked to learn the routines and begin teaching after a month. During my trial period I made the decision to take the personal fitness trainer certification course and exam. This was a high stress time for me. When the month was over I found myself trying to escape the possibility of teaching. I told my husband we could move. I tried explaining that I felt like a schmuck since I had no real training. I felt that the one night a week I would teach would interfere too much with my schedule.

I believe what it came down to was a combination of things. I was scared. I do very well one on one but do not feel comfortable in front of a group. Which seems silly now that I write this because in junior high I was the class commander in my R.O.T.C. class for the whole year. It was a change that I was fighting against implementing.

The biggest thing, though, was my desire to stay at home and not have any responsibility outside of my family. Over the last several years I have really felt the call on my life to be first and foremost wife and mother. I have become more comfortable with the idea over the course of this last year. I truly enjoy being home with my kids. I love making menus, grocery shopping and cooking for my clan. I take pride in being home to help with homework, even though I don't do it well. I love watching the kids play together. I love the feeling that I am keeping things functioning.

The funny thing about this realization is that for years I have fought being home and wanted to be out in the world making a financial contribution to our household. I missed the point that I was making a substantial contribution to our family by being present. This is not to say I don't have the desire to pursue outside employment. I have a long way to go before I can pursue the career I would like. I just feel like I know better what my main purpose in life is. To serve God and to serve my family. My hope now is that I will have a clear direction in how to also serve my neighbor.

I am blessed by all of you!!