The "Struggle" Queen

As usual I am struggling. I never imagined that it would be such a hardship adjusting back to living in the states.The first two weeks were a combination of return jet lag and jumping right back into life. I had little time to really process what I was feeling through the haze. The last week or so the dust has settled and I feel like I have a clearer view of what causes the ever increasing feelings of stress and discontentment. I am sure as time goes on I will realize more but for now this is what I have come up with.

In Kenya I was doing home school. We would sleep until 6:30 or 7. School started around 8:30 or 9 and because I am not a teacher, nor am I very good (patient) at it, we were done in an hour or two. After that we watched a movie and then had lunch. Some afternoons the kids had swim lessons. Once their friends got home from school it was outside to play, sometimes another round in the pool. The sun was usually shining and the temperature was mild. The sun went down at 6:30 every single night. I loved it. I was relaxed and happy.  I envisioned coming back and being able to hold on to those feelings. It lasted for about a week and a half. I am not sure if it is a symptom of our culture or if it is familiarity. The kids started fighting more with each other, misbehaving and generally becoming unpleasant. I was no longer able to maintain my calm parenting, appreciating my kids state of mind. I also realized as we prepared for a recorder concert at the school that I dislike having to get myself up early, let alone two boys. We fight and rush to get to school on time. After that it is a fight and a discussion to get the homework and household chores done. School presents issues because there are expectations on the kids as well as the parents to jump through certain hoops. One morning I told Brian, "Now I remember why I hate school."

It has been chilly and wet for the majority of the time we have been back. That in itself is not a problem. I just got spoiled and realized how much I worship the mild, sunshiny weather I was so blessed to enjoy for six months. This lady thrives in sunny weather. I also love being able to send my kids outside and have them stay outside longer than a few minutes.

As a kid I remember looking forward to the summer with the longer days and later bedtimes. I have found lately that it has been stressing me out. I like to put all of my kids to bed by 8pm, sometimes earlier. Since we have been home it is a battle to get them in bed and asleep by then. I am frustrated and tired by the time I finally get them to sleep.

We were spoiled with truly natural and healthy food in Kenya. I worked for over a year trying to lose weight. I was successful, thanks to running and reevaluating what I put in my mouth, and lost 17 pounds. In the six months we were in Kenya I lost another seven. I felt healthy and strong. My mind was happy and alert, I had energy. Since I don't have a scale I can't be totally sure but I feel as though I have gained the seven back, and we have only been home three weeks. Now I know this seems superficial and in most regards it is. Like I said in my last post I am obsessed with this stuff. I have been going over and over in my head what the difference is. I have not come to any firm conclusions but I have wondered, what the heck is in the food here? Seriously people. It is a sick and scary place we live in. Ok, so that may be a bit over board but it does create some concern for me. I have realized how very hard it is to lose weight here.

I have had some really great epiphany moments since we have been back. One of the main things is this idea of going back to school. I am more determined than ever to get my degree and not just change my life but help other people change their lives. Also I realize that I need to rely on God so much more here but I have a harder time doing it. One of the things I would have liked to be changed is my propensity to insecurity. I am so very insecure about a number of things it sometimes makes the days feel unbearable. I was able to face some of my fears about relationships this last week and discuss a little of that with Brian. It is just a starting point but I truly believe it is a major step. Now, to just get over myself and get on with live.

Please help me to remember that its not all about me. Help me to figure out what adjustments need to be made in my attitude and my outlook. I am so very blessed to have you all in my life. Here is to a fresh start in a present life. Thank you for being a part of this and for your words of encouragement along the way.  Calie I think I will read the book you suggested...


Here are a few pictures. You may notice that some are from our place in Kenya. Last weekend we went sledding since we missed the snow during winter. We had a nice time!

My buddies

Zoe wanted her doll tied on like they do in Kenya

Obsession

As I was unpacking the boxes at our house I realized two things; one is that most of the boxes had "Peggi's Stuff" written on them. I was going to say that I fill the house and Brian fills the garage. Then I thought about the amount of stuff I have in the garage and decided that would be inaccurate. The second thing I realized was that most of the books I own are cookbooks, books about food and books about running/fitness. If you look through my Amazon wish list you will see the same thing. I came to the conclusion that I have an obsession to put it lightly.

We have all been finding our niches in this place we call home. I have been able to see the areas here that create stress for me. Aside from that I am finding it a challenge to keep some of the Changes I made in Kenya function in this society. Of which I cannot really describe at the moment. I am fearful that the relationship I developed with God is going to diminish. I realized the other day that I have to be far more intentional about making change, correcting my own attitude and functioning differently here. Even my kids have had some challenges in adjusting.

I have felt the pull to finish school. I have been attending college on and off since the fall of 2000. In the next few years I will finally finish my associates degree (baby steps here people). I have been pouring over course info and class schedules for the last several days trying to figure out my class schedule for the next year, if possible. All this time I have avoided math. This year I buckle down and make it through all the math I need. After I finish my associates I will begin work on my bachelors in Fitness and Nutrition. I am trying to plan my classes here to cover what I will need there.

One of the things I have decided to dedicate myself to is living my life. I know, it sounds strange, but how many of us decide we can't, or shouldn't do something or say we will do it later. I am SO guilty of this. Making excuses not to do something has been my motto for years. I now realize that life is meant to be lived and I will take advantage of that. I want to engage myself in things that I am interested in and move on in activities that interest me. One of which is school another is to take some sewing classes. My goal is to be more open in relationships and I have to say this one is hard for me since I still struggle with some insecurity issues but I WILL try.

For those of you who read, and still read, this blog I cannot thank you enough for the love and encouragement you have shown me. It has been a pleasure to write out these things and to know that there are actually people reading them. I will try to maintain this blog as well as the picture taking, another interest. I am blessed to have you all in my life!! Thank you!!!

Snapshots and Culture Shock

We have now packed up our life in Kenya and started unpacking it in Oregon. The last two weeks have been jammed packed with packing. The week before we left I started packing, was I a little excited? As my husband tells me I am a bit anal. I admit I am, I think it is in my nature. We were allowed two bags each (that makes twelve bags total) that weigh 20 kilos or less. For those of you like me one kilo is equal to 2.2 pounds. I packed suitcases and danced on and off a scale to try to make each bag perfect. We were packing up six months of life and research among gifts and clothes. The six of us each experienced our own version of excitement and sorrow. We were all excited about coming home to different things and also sad about leaving certain things behind. I was more emotional about leaving Kenya than I was when we left the states. God had worked in me so closely and so much during our time there. I was afraid I would slip right back in to the way I was before and an attitude I wanted to leave behind.

All the kids were very excited when the taxi arrived to take us to the airport. It was hard to contain them and keep them out while we waited for a second taxi. I did say we had twelve suitcases right? After making our way to the airport we started having meltdowns as it got farther and farther from bedtime. After boarding the plane and settling in to our seats the kids slept for most of the eight hour flight. We off-loaded in Amsterdam and had breakfast and a little leg stretching time at the playground. After a short 3ish hour layover we made our way to our next gate. The agent looking over our passports wondered if we had left anything in Nairobi after hearing how many bags we had checked in. The closer we got to home the more eager and excited the kids became. The second leg of the trip lasted a little over 9 hours. Zoe and Alaina both took brief naps and the boys spent their time watching movies, coloring and playing games. I was pleasantly surprised by how all the kids did on such a long trip.

After arriving in Oregon the excitement was almost uncontainable. The oldest kids were busy expressing what they wanted to do first. Fatigue was offset by pure joy of being back on familiar territory. After gathering our bags we made the journey home. The wind and the cool weather was a shock to our systems after being in such a wonderful climate for so long. Once we arrived in town we unloaded some bags and headed out to get our puppy. The reunion was joyous for Alaina who had been talking about her dog for months. Moyo was excited to see Brian in particular and eventually decided to greet me. The following day we were able to move back in to our house. Which really meant we moved all our boxes and suitcases in. I started the slow process of unpacking, arranging and purging. As usual some of the things I unpacked were things that probably should not have been packed in the first place.

Jasper was excited to get back to school and started the first Monday, Milo started on Tuesday. It was a bit of an adjustment for Milo to get back in the swing of things.

At this point it is a bit difficult to try and articulate the things that I notice now that I am here. It is amazing to me that even after a short time my perception of life and normal society can be affected the way they have been. I grew up here and now it feels like a strange new world. I am afraid that I will become complacent in my life again and that all the change in my attitude and way of life will disappear. I am afraid of becoming the person I left behind. Being back I know how hard it will be to live a different style of life here but I am looking forward to the challenge.

I want to thank you all for the love and support you provided us with. I am so blessed to have you all in my life! Thank you for following our story. I do hope to keep up this blog.